For the newbies

I wrote this for another forum a wee while back as advice for new bikers.

Here's my hot tips for new riders from someone who learnt the hard way!

Got a £10 head, get a £10 helmet. (saw this on an advert once) Never buy a second hand helmet, as you don't know whether it has been dropped. Not all damage is visible, so can you really trust the seller? And helmets have a date stamp inside. If it is more than 5 years from date of manufacture then you should get a replacement.

The same goes for safety clothing. Tarmac hurts, and everyone falls off at some time. Your clothing will dictate whether you swear, limp and hobble away from an accident or get carried away in an ambulance. You needn't spend a fortune, but make sure you have a jacket, trousers, boots and gloves, as well as a good helmet. And even though it is a lovely day, don't even think of going out without your safety gear. Denim offers no protection in an accident.

If you don't know where to go for bike advice, most motorcycle magazines contain advice for new riders, and the web has loads of information. But why not ask a biker? Try visiting your local motorcycle club, or if there is a motorbike show near to you, go along, and seek out the stands that belong to the motorbike clubs. For most bikers it doen't take a lot of effort to get them to start talking bike - in fact the hardest part can be getting them to stop! Ask them what got them into biking, what gear they advise, what bikes are best for a novice, and what dealerships near to you are the most trustworthy.

You will need to complete some sort of basic training. In the UK this is called your Compulsory Basic Training (CBT) and you will need a CBT certificate before going out on the road with "L" (learner) plates. The motorbike school will supply the bike and protective gear, and you will start off riding around traffic cones while getting to grips with the basics of using a motorcycle. The school will also be able to provide lessons to get you ready for sitting your full bike test. Whether or not you can already drive a car, I would advise you to take some lessons.

If you are going to buy a bike, I would advise against buying a brand new bike while you learn. If you buy a bike that is not too old, someone else has already paid the depreciation. If the bike school that you did your CBT with gave you use of one particular brand of bike, and you were comfortable with it, then you would do a lot worse than looking at that particular model. Take along a biking friend (perhaps one of your new bike club buddies!) to give you advice, and when it comes to the point that you actually purchase, please remember that half the fun is in the haggling. If you can't get the seller to move on the price, at least make sure that they fill it up with petrol, and if it is a main dealer, see if they will chuck in free servicing. But remember that you should always have money left ofer for your safety gear.

Invest in the Haynes or similar servicing manual for your bike. You really need to know how to adjust and lubricate your chain, but for the more technically competent, the basic servicing such as oil changes can be done by the home mechanic. However if your bike makes nasty clunking, grinding or coughing noises, then you really need to speak to a real mechanic.

Never answer a call of nature at the roadside. While you are attempting to do what comes naturally behind the bushes, thirty passing bikers will assumme that your bike has broken down and offer to pass spanners, go for a gallon of petrol, or make sympathetic noises about your broken bike. Just smile, wave, and be grateful that they thought to stop to help!

You will get wet. Very wet. You will go out when the sun is out, but the rain will come on when you are at distance D. D= the nearest point to your destination that still ensures that you get absolutely saturated. Some form of waterproof outer layer or a well waterproofed bike jacket will prevent most of the water getting in. If you are riding to work, and carrying a change of clothes in your backpack, make sure that your clothes are wrapped in a plastic bag, and always carry a spare set of socks. (Hitchhikers Guide fans will know about not forgetting your towel.)

Most importantly, get out there, enjoy riding, be safe.

Google

On the side of this blog there is a meter that lets me know how many people have looked in on the blog. (and for those reading this, hi, thanks for dropping in.) It's similar to the counter on Ebay pages, but gives you details of the Google search keywords that were used to find me. For most visitors I'm usually found by a search on Pan Clan, or a variation of Honda ST1300 Pan European. For one unfortunate soul, they needed advice from Google on "how to pick up a dropped pan european bike." Hope it didn't cause too much damage to yourself or the bike.

For those who have never tried to recover from a horizontal parking situation I'd advise the following:

1. Use a few bad words.
2. Make sure you're not hurt.
3. remove unwanted baggage (tank bag, top box, pillion) but leave both panniers on. You won't be able to remove the pannier on the lower side, and you want it balanced when you pick it up.
4. Undo the steering lock, and remove any security devices (if applicable)
5. Assuming it has fallen on the left side, turn your back to the bike, bend with the knees and grab the handle bar with your right hand, and the rear grab rail with your left.
6. In one smoth movement, stand up, lifting the bike to its normal position. Allow the steering to turn towards you as it comes up. Don't let go of your right hand until you have got the bike on an even keel. Oh and make sure you don't go pushing it on to the other side.
7. Ensure your side/centre stand is still intact before you use them.

At this point you can work out how much the damage wil cost you...

Is there a problem here..?

Put them away.

I think I'm showing my age, but at least I'm not dated, unlike a certain portion of the motorcycle marketplace. Why is it that a number of bike accessory shops still insist on draping scantily clad ladies all over their webpage? There I am, surfing the web in work, trying to find new tyres, etc, when up pops the dealership from the seventies, and their "mechanics wives" section. So I've got to explain to the boss why some bare ar$£d bird has appeared on my screen. "Honest, I was only looking for tyres..." Yeah right!

This weekend, my other half bought her first bike, from a dealership that still has the token brolly-dolly on their webpage. Now we've both seen it all before, but it's a shame that the dealership still thinks that sex sells bikes. For once it wasn't me buying the bikes, so the dealer in this instance was targeting the wrong sector of the market.

I'm no prude, and ladies, I don't mind how much or little you're wearing. Sometimes, the less the better, but if I'm at a bike show, I'm only interested in talking to you if you have half a clue about the products you're hired to sell. If not, please put some clothes on and go get the me the hairy ar$£d bloke that can tell the difference betreen a crank shaft and a drive shaft.

Motorcycling - stuck in the seventies and proud of it!

Transformers

Just seen the new Transformers movie. Pretty good, and not disappointing if you are a child of the eighties.

One fatal flaw that every movie with a car theme seems to repeat is the process of hotwiring a car. The hero reaches under the dashboard, pulls out two wires, usually red and blue, and as if by magic, the car starts. They drive off in a plume of blue smoke, and after saving the day, Roy Rogers drives off into the sunset with Grace Kelly. Or was that Gary Cooper..?

What really happens is any or all of the following.

A. Nothing,
B. A fuse blows
C. The airbag fires.
D. Your favourite "Top Gear Anthems" CD is replaced with a pan pipe compilation.
E. All of the above
F. None of the above.
G. Who cares anyway.

Ok, so I'm reading too much into this. I'm off to lie down.

Pan miles so far - Forgot to look...